what do i want?
So, I haven't written for the past few days. I've been mulling some things over in my head, and its just taken me a little while to decide what I want to say about them.
Last Friday I finally did bite the bullet and call Derek. He was doing some stuff with friends and said that he would call me when they were leaving the bar. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was going out with people from work because it was a coworker's last night. He finally called me at like 11:30 or so and just happened to mention that he and his friend were thinking about coming up in my direction and so he asked where I was and yada yada yada. I didn't invite him, which is not to say that I didn't want him to come. I was thrilled that he wanted to come and see me.
So he came and it was a good thing and so yay, right? I was talking to one of my friends the other night who has known him for a long time and she was saying how even though sometimes he may talk about girls and stuff, he never really makes a move. All of a sudden a little lightbulb went off in my head. It was like ahhhhh, so I have to be the aggressor, which is something I'm comfortable doing for now. I just don't know how long its going to take before that gets old. It's not like I'm shy, or have a problem with being the person in a relationship who does most of the calling or decides on most of the plans, and its not like he hasn't been great about coming up here to where I live (we only live like a half hour apart, but still, we also have completely conflicting schedules and what not). Its also not as if I don't know that he's interested when I'm around him, its just that...I am a girl, and I do get insecure if you don't call when you say you will, ya know? I suppose at some point I will bring it up with him, but obviously not yet. I may have to suffer through another month or two of my being the one doing all the initiating, but at this point, I'm not so stupid that I don't know that if I said something now it could be interpreted in the wrong way.
Ugh, I don't know. And I'm tired, seeing as I've been out late waaay too much lately. I also have another follow-up appointment with my oral surgeon tomorrow at 8:45 AM. So I'm gonna go read some more of Anna Karenina until I'm tired enough to sleep and see what you all have to say about this before I do anything about it. You guys are my gurus.
see, now if only most of the women in my life would be aggressors and initiate things, i wouldn't find myself so damned confused all the time.
I'm just not sure whether or not I'm happy about having to initiate everything you know?